- Wake up, you old piece of shit!
- Slappy birthday! - Happy birthday.
- Guys, guys, come on, please.
Not this year, guys.
I don't want to do it this year.
All right, all right.
Fine, I'll do it, but only because
I'm already dressed, guys!
- Oh!
- Bam.
- Are you ready for the birthday booze-athon?
- Walking, walking, walking, walking.
- Well, it's your birthday, slappy birthday.
- He's looking good, but you gotta wonder if his age
is gonna be a factor in this year's Tour de Franzia.
- I gotta slap the bag! Slap the bag!
- You can do it. We all believe in you.
Very good.
- Oh, he lost his helmet.
He missed the flamingo.
- Nice, yeah. Oh.
- What is that? It's not beer.
- No, it's whiskey.
I watered it down, though.
- Okay. All right, fine.
- With beer. Here we go.
Come on. Come on.
- Oh!
- Booze-athon, yeah.
- Come on, Dersel Hasselhoff.
Baywatch those beers, you're doing great.
- No, dude, I can't do it.
I'm starting to get hot mouth.
- Come on, they need your help.
Clock's ticking by, let's go.
- No, no.
- Yeah.
Get 'em.
- Eww.
- Oh, my gosh.
Nobody's puked the pool in, like, a while.
- It's been a while.
It's been too long, actually.
- I guess we did it.
- Yeah, it's been a while.
- I'm done.
- Well, you're paying for a pool cleaner.
I mean, don't be a dick about it.
That is an entire Bagel Bite.
- He ate your Bagel Bites.
- He ate my Bagel Bites.
- Ah, son of a bitch!
Damn it!
Where are you going?
- Well, this is Ders' birthday breakfast.
I got him some grapefruit, a grandpa bran muffin,
and a shot of prune juice and Jagermeister,
'cause you saw him yesterday, man.
He's an old dude. - Yeah, he's crazy old.
It's bizarre how old he is. - It's not carrot cake.
- Hmm, yuck. - No, no.
- Nah, it's no good.
- Yeah, it's for old men.
- Yeah, Ders is old.
He's like a year and a half older.
You know how many months that is?
That's like-
- Anyways, don't mention anything about him getting old
'cause it's, you know, his birthday, and just play it cool.
- I should help you carry the tray, though,
because that looks heavy, and I'm...
- No. - Definitely have a solid core.
- Okay. I see what you're doing.
You're trying to say it's from both of us; it's not.
- This is sort of from both of us, though, because...
my mom gave us this tray when my grandma died.
- Well, uh, tell your dead grandma I said thanks.
- Whoa, look who's up.
- Whoa, beef castle.
- Oh, what's up with you guys?
Who's swagging? You swagging?
- I-I think maybe. - Yeah.
- Come on, man.
- What are you listening to?
- Oh, dude, it's this new mash-up tape,
DJ Chris unchained!
Lah-dow.
- Very lah-dow- let me-
- Mm-hmm. - Let me listen.
Yeah.
- Like Jamiroquai mixed with Smash Mouth.
I hear it now.
- Nope! That's a chop, buddy.
- Ow, what-what was that? That was weird.
- Why are you chopping him?
- It's a chop, man.
You say or do anything stupid, and that's a chop.
We used to do it on the playground
when I was a kid, so I'm bringing it back.
- Okay, well, yeah. - Yeah, that's cool.
- Thank you for that, and thank me for this.
It's a breakfast for your birthday,
and, oh, I got you this gift to you.
- Yeah, you know what? Happy birthday.
- Well, it's-it's just from me, not Adam.
- It came on my tray, so...
- It's a golf polo. Very American Dad-iator.
- You could get married in something like that.
You could probably also get divorced in that as well.
- Yeah, or a job interview
or maybe, like, a soldier's funeral,
or I was thinking, hey, you know,
you want to be city councilman dude one day.
So maybe you could wear that, get elected.
- It's not really what the young go-hards
are wearing right now.
You know, the go-hards are wearing-
I can't wear this if I'm gonna run with the go-hards.
- Very swag.
- Maybe I'll-I'll just-
Oh, yeah. There we go.
Get this bad boy there. - Cool, yeah.
- That's much better. That is much better.
You're very strong by the way.
- Looks great, you're- - Yes.
- That was $60.
- City Councilman Dude?
How about I try and be like
city break-dancer man?
- Oh, I like that.
- I got this one. Adam, you got next.
- That was fun. That was my first taxi ride.
- There you go. Thank you.
- It went pretty fast. - Thanks a lot.
- Dude, what are we doing here?
We should be out drinking more.
- We should be out drinking more.
- Yes. - We're not gonna do that.
- Are we still gonna do that? - We should do that.
Whoa.
- Look at this.
- Dude, this is swagged out. - Very swagged out.
- Hey, hey, hey, you all like this, don't you, huh?
This is Captain America type stuff right here.
I won this at the mall. I guessed its weight.
- Yo, dude, it's my birthday right now today.
Let me take this thing out for a smob.
- Pbbbbbttt!
You out your mind?
Colleen don't even get to ride in this,
unless she's doing maintenance from the passenger seat.
And y'all know I'm talking about road-head.
- Surprisingly, I did know that.
- It's licky-licky time.
- I don't care what you guys say.
Harry and the Hendersons is legit.
- No, we said it was legit.
- Whoa, yeah, here's my birthday present
that I got you.
- Oh, dude.
- I put it in a box.
- Thanks so much, except you're lying.
I had this next-dayed last night.
- Oh, that's a chop.
- Who wants to do a snip-it?
- I love snip-its.
- Uh, actually, we- - Wait, they're whip-its, right?
- Yeah, it's a whip-it. People call 'em snip-its now.
- What if we just, uh, ducked out into the bathroom
and got drunk like usual?
That'd be fun.
- No, we are making memories
and then destroying them.
- Okay, no. That is hippie crack, man.
Did we not all cry during that Steve-O documentary?
- Relax your mind. I'm gonna blast off.
- Oh, wow!
We're just celebrating big Ders-dog's birthday.
- Yeah.
- Because the Ders-dog,
and then there's everything that's happens to-
- Sorry?
- Nothing.
- Yeah, he's monkeying around again.
- Whatever.
Look, uh, there's a big surprise for you in the break room.
It-it's a birthday cake.
Anyway, I'm not going.
- Okay.
- Anders, we have a dress code.
Can you please?
- It's Craig Norman, bitch.
Surprise!
- Yeah.
- There he is!
How does it feel to be 25?
You gettin' up there.
- Ders, the secret to staying young is...
laugh a lot.
And...
moisturize, moisturize.
- You know, Anders,
you're the same age my parents were
when they had me.
And then they gave me away,
and then I was adopted by those horrible Koreans.
Oh, well.
- You old, bitch!
- Der, you old as dirt!
You gettin' up there.
Laugh a lot.
- All right, okay.
Just-
- Oh.
- I know how old I am!
- Sorry.
He's on a ton of drugs right now.
He's like drugged out of his mind right now.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- No, Waymond, no, no!
No! Bad Waymond, bad!
- Ders! - Ders.
Gosh, what the heck is wrong with that guy?
- Whatever, we just gotta party through those demons.
- No, that's the last thing we need to do.
We need to slow down.
Otherwise he's gonna turn into...
"the Ders."
- That would be awesome.
I love "the Ders," and you love "the Ders."
Last time we partied with "the Ders,"
we went to Seven Mary Three.
Got us backstage.
- He head-butted a female security guard,
bum-rushed the stage,
and dedicated a song to his dad.
- Yeah, but that song was Cumbersome.
And it meant a lot to all of us at the time.
- Did it, though?
- That's my favorite dersion of Vers.
- Whoo-whoo!
All aboard to downtown Pound Town.
- Oh, we are so American.
This is the most American thing we could do right now.
- Whoo! - I feel like I'm in a parade.
- How cool of Montez to let you borrow his new car.
- Yeah, that's cool. - Borrow that dude's car?
Dude, I took the keys right off that fool's desk.
- Whoa.
- Ha! - Holy grand theft auto.
You're badass. That's American.
- Thank you.
Stealing cars is American. Where are we going?
- Dude, we're going straight to Pound Town.
- Yeah, baby.
- Population three, cheap import beer,
cheap export swag.
- Ah, okay.
- Exported swag, I like it.
- I know it's your birthday.
I don't want to be a wet serape,
but maybe we should go home to Chill Ville.
It's pretty cool, plus, Adam,
nobody serves beer at 10:30, so help me out.
- Yeah, a little place called Dolphin's strip club
most definitely dooze.
Um, they're not open yet. Damn it.
- No, it's fine that it's closed
because home has tons of pornography.
I know that's a fact.
And the kitchen serves beer all day.
It's gonna be fun.
- We could just go drink at a parking lot somewhere.
That's a chop, even for suggesting going home.
Consider yourself chopped. - That's a chop back.
- No, ten for contact.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
- Is that real? Is that part of the game?
- I've never heard that, but I like that.
- Wow, very good.
- All right.
- This place is awesome, man,
Where did you-where did you find out about this spot?
- Dude, my dad took me here for my 11th birthday.
He got weird drunk,
and he showed up, most importantly.
- That was the first time I got arrested at 11.
- This is really fun, guys. I'm having a great time.
I didn't think I would say this ever in my life,
but maybe we should get back to work, yeah?
Return a stolen car that's in our possession?
- Oh, boo. - I think he's joking.
Is that a joke?
- I'm puking while I'm drinking it.
- Dude, we're shutting this bitch down.
- We're partying until 8:00 "P.N.," yeah!
- Oh, yeah? You-you-yup, that's a chop.
You said P.N. - That's official.
- Oh, well, that's a chop back...
because P.N. is post noon.
Everyone knows that.
You need to go back to school, pick up some knowledge.
- So, uh, Ders,
what would it take for you to consider
maybe doing the exact opposite of shutting bitches down?
Maybe leaving this bitch, heading towards home bitch,
home sweet home bitch?
- You know what?
See that shark blimp over there?
You win me that, and I'll go home right now.
- All right, well, then one shark blimp...
chumming right up.
- Nice.
- Hey, good luck, buddy.
- Oh, oh, yeah!
Yeah, yeah.
- Whoo, whoo, whoo!
- How many more times are you gonna play?
- Uh, I'm gonna play
infinity more times, little man, okay?
- All right, Ders, keep pounding that dog.
I gotta make a call, okay? - Will do.
- Dolphins. Hey, Marty, what's up?
It's D-Bone.
You might remember me as D-Train.
- Mister, it's my birthday.
- Buddy, it's my birthday too. You're not special.
Did someone tell you that you were?
'Cause you aren't.
- I'm gonna tell on you.
- You tell everybody you wanna tell.
Tell the whole world.
I'm gonna tell on you. Pbbbt!
- Ahhhh!
- Hey, man. - Ow! What?
- What you doing here, man?
Kid's trying to play and you game hogging?
- Since when is this the only game?
There's a million games. They can play other games.
- You do realize that this is a Dante's, right?
I mean, it's basically a black Chuck E. Cheese.
- Okay, I can see that. I mean, that guy's not black.
- Oh, that's Oakland Tony.
O.T.
Oh, he blacker than I am.
- Buddy, I-I'm sorry. Today is my birthday.
I'm gonna wild out and have a good time.
I got a cup full of coins,
and I'm gonna get wild with them, all right?
Sorry.
- Hey.
I got my eyes on you.
- Legitimately scary.
Too drunk to care. Whoo!
- It's illegal for you to tell me
I can't take this outside.
That's illegal.
Oh, there they are. My sweet, sweet princesses.
Welcome to my castle. Can I take your coats?
No, wow, Mama.
You better put those on.
Getting jealous.
You getting jealous, huh?
- Whose birthday?
- It feels like my birthday.
So it might as well be.
Hitch a ride on the sex bus.
Just kidding. We can't have sex here.
There's kids everywhere.
- Yeah, it's my birthday.
I figured I'd treat myself a little bit, you know.
Keep shaking it. Here we go.
Whoa. - Oh.
- Dude, is that my gift?
- Uh, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah, it is your- it is your birthday present.
- Whoo, hey.
- I just wanted to make sure they're not poisonous.
No, it's good unless you're allergic to glitter, so-
- Whoa, glitter titties, for real?
I'll be right there.
- Come on, man. Let's go.
- Sorry, man, you're 46 tickets shy of the shark.
Now, you can get some vampire teeth
and some scrunchies.
- What? Okay, look.
I'm not trying to freak out on you, man.
You're just doing your job.
I've got a job too.
And I do it sometimes.
But this is an emergency, okay?
We've got a guy who is five beers away
from turning into the Ders.
This is a guy who fucked a koi fish in the mouth
until it died in front of a P.F. Chang's.
- I just count tickets, dude.
- Yeah, I'm your bull trying to buck ya.
Trying to buck you.
- Oh, she just made her butthole wink.
- What? - It just winked at me.
- Whoa, that is too real.
- Oh, my God.
- Whoa, not a fan.
Stick to hits, please.
- Cool. - Titties up.
- Angel, hold up, buddy.
My knees are burning.
What the hell!
I need to see you outside now.
Where they go? Where they at?
- Oh, I'm going to miss you.
I can't afford you for longer.
But I'm going to miss you.
- Button up.
Let's play it safe. There's kids.
You got to respect the kids.
Someone took a sip of my beer.
I don't like that, birthday boy.
- Angel, go play with the team, okay?
- Later, dude, we changed your life.
Don't forget that. We changed your life.
- Yeah, you're going to remember that forever.
- Now, I ain't trying to fight today
because it's a beautiful occasion.
But you brought strippers, albeit some fine-ass strippers,
to a kid's pizza place.
- Dude, I'm not going to say this again.
Today is my birthday,
and I'm going to do whatever I wanna do!
- What was that?
- That's the Ders.
Uh, all right. Look.
I've got $19 and a one-hitter, huh?
All you gotta do is give me that shark blimp.
That's all yours.
You just need to hand me-
hand me the shark blimp.
- The Ders is unleashed, yeah.
Gather around.
There's going to be a real show over here.
- Ders, I got it.
I got your shark blimp.
What do you say we go home and give it a whirl?
- It's no use, bud. He's unleashed.
Gotta ride this one out like a hurricane.
- No, no, we're not riding anything.
Now, Ders, let's go home.
Let's ride home.
- And you need to start acting your age, man.
What are you, 30?
- Ennnghhh, I'm 25, dickhead,
and that's a chop.
Can I have some more tokens?
- Yeah, I'll go get you some tokens.
- Hey, Ders, how you doing, man?
Come on. Talk to me.
- He's refusing to get off.
This is the saddest thing
I've ever seen, dude.
You're not a child.
Do you have any more tokens?
I wanna play Pop-A-Shot again.
I got, like, the fourth highest score on the thing.
I'm not just going to give up.
I'm not a quitter.
- You need to chill out, dude. - Okay.
- This is the worst birthday I've ever had.
- What?
Remember those strippers I got you?
That was awesome of me.
- Wait. You didn't get 'em.
I-I got 'em. You took my card.
- Yeah, that's true.
He bought them.
But I was-I made the call.
- I'm so old now.
You know, I thought maybe if I said "swag"
and jammed hard to mash-ups
and tore sleeves of cool golf shirts
that I'd feel young.
But it didn't work.
I mean, I don't even know what "swag" means.
- No one does, really.
- I just wanted to sound cool.
- Well, you didn't, really.
You kind of sound like a dork.
- Yeah.
- Hey, uh...
I crossed the line back there,
and I thought I'd try to make it right,
starting with some cake.
- No, I'm in a cutting phase right now.
I'd better not.
Unless it's chocolate. Is that chocolate?
- Uh, no, it's vanilla.
- Yeah, that'll work. Cool, thanks.
- That's for your busted-up face.
- Thank you.
- Hey, uh...
I'm sorry I knocked you on your ass back there, man.
But you said, "chop." I thought you had a knife.
I used to work in a Chinese kitchen, man,
I have seen some shit.
Anyway, moving on.
You crying 'cause you're 25?
But I'm 37.
But you know what I got?
I got meaning in my life.
You'll see. It's radical, dude.
- All right. And it's real.
- He's right, you know.
Turning 25 isn't the end.
It's-it's the beginning of something older.
- Yeah, it's definitely older.
- Yeah. - It's for sure, older.
- And, oh, but you can do a ton of cool stuff
that you couldn't do before.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Like what? - Yeah, like what?
- You can get off your parents' health insurance.
Well, they'll kick you off.
My dad sends me countdown emails.
- It's bogus. - Yeah.
- Guys, I think I know what I need to do.
But I can't do it alone.
- Hey, look, whatever you need, I'm here for you.
- No, I mean, like, I'm really hammered.
I don't even think I can get out of this ride right now.
- Okay, sir, you can have a seat.
Thank you.
All right. Statute 7-B,
let the proposed property tax override fund the...
- Ladies and gentlemen!
Please put your hands together
for the next president of Rancho Cucamonga,
Anders Holmvik.
- Hey!
Hello.
Greetings, my fellow Rancho Cucamongans.
My name is Anders Torfin Holmvik.
I'm here to announce today
that because I am now 25 years young-
it's not old; it's young-
I'm therefore eligible to run for City Councilman Dude...
and I'm going to do it.
- Yeah. - All right.
- Whoo-hoo!
- So proud. So proud.
- Okay.
Not today like, you know, maybe down in like 2016.
I've got a... - Good year.
- Some student loans to pay off.
So get that out of the way,
and then I'm gonna be up in your grills
asking for votes, okay?
So consider this a warning.
And here's a slogan.
It's, "You can always bet on Ders."
That's my name.
- Hit 'em with it, yeah!
Male demo. Yeah!
- This is not the forum to run for city council.
- No, I know, dude.
I'm said I'm gonna run.
We gotta stickler.
I'll get him out of office ASAP.
Vote or die.
- Please leave. Vote or die.
- We need you to go.
Vote or die.
- So I get to see you naked?
- I should get to know your name-
- Hey, you guys are driving the convertible, right?
- Um... - Come on.
- Um... - You know what, Ders?
Happy birthday, bud.
Yeah, I was driving.
What's it to you?
I've gotten plenty of DUIs.
Give me another. I don't care.
I don't care, copper.
- The car's been reported stolen,
and you've been driving it drunk?
- Really? I didn't know that.
I didn't know it was reported.
- Nice.
Retail subrip by jeem.